Blueberry Pie

Let me start by stating this: I have made pie crusts before. Delicious, beautiful, nonshrinking pie crusts filled with meringue, fruit or nuts. I have used butter and flour to achieve both great results in the kitchen and in my belly. Sunday night, though, almost broke me.
John Paul and I had some friends over for dinner, and I had my heart set on making a blueberry pie for dessert, with a crust recipe from Pioneer Woman and a small handful of other ingredients. The beauty of fruit pies is their simplicity; besides putting together a crust, all the cook has to do is throw some fruit and sugar in and bake. What could be easier?
With ingredients at hand, I set about making the crust in my food processor, separated into three sections, and froze each one, dutifully following PW in her instructions save one: use a pastry cutter. Surely, I thought, a food processor will be quicker.
Surely my shortening doesn't need to be chilled. She would have said so! (She really didn't say this, but I should have known better.)
Surely I'll have time to shower and bake this pie before our guests here.
I did shower (briefly), and set about rolling out the dough to fit into the pie plate. Nothing stayed together, though. Each time I rolled out the crust, a large tear would appear in the edge, and I would have to fix it. Roll in the other direction, and it happened again. When I tried to peel it off the countertop sprinkled with flour, it stubbornly stuck to the marble. I ended up picking up pieces off the counter and simply piecing it together like a jigsaw puzzle in the plate. The top of the pie suffered the same fate. It didn't look great and, even worse, the crust was taking too long and running into my time to make the entree (much gratitude to John Paul here, who stepped up to the plate and made the majority of the mac and cheese).
John Paul witnessed a display of violence toward our counter with the rolling pin (no one was injured, and the pie crust lived to tell the tale). A text was sent out: "Could you guys give us an extra 15 minutes? No one should have to see Abbi in this state."
Finally, the pie came together. And one of the guests actually had thirds. It looked more like a blueberry crumble than pie when it came out of the oven, but the Disaster Pie, as it should henceforth be known, wasn't a complete waste of time. I'd like to think that last night proved that John Paul loves me, despite my cooking-related freak-outs, and taught me a thing or two about pie crusts. Namely, use chilled butter instead of room-temperature shortening, and use a stupid pastry cutter when the recipe says to.
I'm not passing along the recipe, but rather insisting that you buy your own. No relationship should have to suffer like mine did last night.


The Blueberry Pie that Almost Wasn't
2 storebought pie crusts, thawed
2 pints blueberries
2-3 Tbsp. flour
1/4 c. sugar
A dash of nutmeg

1. Preheat oven to 400. Toss blueberries, flour, sugar and nutmeg in a bowl.
2. Place one pie crust in pie plate, and fill with fruit mixture. Top with other crust, and crimp edges.
3. Bake for 30-40 minutes. Serve with vanilla ice cream or whipped cream.